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Common Markers of Bullying
by
Deborah Carpenter (with Christopher J. Ferguson, PhD)
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- Don’t confuse bullying with horseplay
- Bullies target someone they can dominate
- Bullies want to inflict harm
When one child accidentally collides with another child on the playground, apologizes, and helps him up, it’s not bullying. But let’s say a third grader trips a first grader every day as he runs to line up at the end of recess. The younger boy is being bullied.
Bullying behavior should not be confused with horseplay, occasional good-natured teasing, or the sudden but brief clash between children on the school playground. Kids are active, impulsive, and they are going to have scuffles. Friendship troubles, squabbles between classmates, and the all-in-good-fun wrestling match that gets a little out of hand are normal; sticking a foot out to intentionally trip (and possibly hurt and humiliate) a younger child is not. If you suspect your child is being bullied, be on the lookout for these three common markers of bullying: an imbalance of power, the intent to harm, and the threat of further harm.
An Imbalance of Power
Sam and Josh are playing dodge ball in gym. They are the two strongest athletes in the fifth grade, and after ten minutes of play are the only ones left in the game. Sam hurls the ball at Josh and accidentally hits him in the face. Josh is hurt and angry, and he lunges forward to shove Sam. While this behavior is aggressive and unacceptable, it is not bullying. Sam and Josh normally get along; this was a one-time event, and Sam did not intend to hit Josh in the face with the ball.
If Sam were a bully, he would have targeted someone he was sure he could dominate—preferably someone younger, smaller, less popular, less outgoing, or less able to defend himself. He would have intended to hurt Josh, and he would be looking forward to doing it again. A bully takes pleasure in hurting others and intentionally seeks out targets he can control.
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